A lonely heart

I cant sleep.
Thoughts of sharing my empty, vast bed with him fill my mind.

There are parts of me that always question if our relationship is purely one of desire and sexuality. For the most part...it is. But why is that necessarily a bad thing?

I remember the pain of leaving him. The brief goodbye through misty eyes as i hurried into the taxi. A sax player began a tune on a street corner out of my range but not out of his. The sax played The long and winding road, by the beatles into the street just as he was driving past. He said it was almost too much. It almost broke him.

I remember thinking of him in his truck, gripping his wheel and trying to block the heart wrenching sounds from his ears. I sat on the pavement at terminal 3, smoking cigarette after cigarette hoping they would help hold back the tears about to roll down my cheek.

I prayed he would turn up. Rescue me from the security que. Tell me i didnt have to go. Nothing.
I asked him to marry me. Mostly cause i couldnt handle leaving him. The rest cause i want to spend foreve with him. They are really the same thing i think.

With doubt, tears and sheer regret they let me through the detectors. That was it, i couldnt get out now. Or could i? My eyes scanned the corridors wondering if i could escape this journey. Nothing.

I grabbed a pizza, a beer, which i needed...badly. I put my headphones in and sobbed into the pepperoni and cheese. Dont think ive ever downed a pint so quickly in all my life.

The plane was like a big metallic bitch of red tape and politics forcing me to leave. Thankfully i had a spare seat. No questions about my obvious need to be alone and cry.

The city was stunning upon take off. I tried to follow the bright orange lights towards his home. Unsure if i got it right or not. Thinking he was down there, somewhere, looking out for me.

Every day at work, on my break i stand out side. I curse each plane i see. Thinking there is someone on that, going to see someone they love....and its not me.
It aches that i cant feel him now. Deep within my chest. How can something emotional have a physical pain to it? S'weird what the body can do.

I lay here now, my face lit up with my phone, all around is black. If i light up the space to my right, he isnt there. I wish he was in this big empty space.

Life dosnt feel right. Bleak, monotone, dull and with a void bigger than marianna's trench.
Im gonna close my eyes, and drift of to him. Feel him, smell him, hear him next to me, begging me to stay.
If only's.