Lost in reality

First I ask if you are reading this alone to click the song link first. Music puts you in a place nothing else can, it can open doors in your mind that can change the scenes that unfold before you. Read along whilst listening to the posts track. S'all I ask of you.

Sia - My Love

My life is a movie. Scenes play out in my mind in slow motion.
My life is a soundtrack. Songs play to every step I take.

I wonder if my eyes see the world differently to others. I wonder if the world appears in a different format to me.

I am a hopeless romantic. Lost in fantasy that love will prevail all difficulties.

The man my heart craves for, lives in a separate world to me. Over 3000 miles away.
2 months ago I met him. It was all like some amazing film.
Now my world has been completely disconnected from that of my old life.

I stare out of windows on long journey's. Wondering what he is doing now, who he is with, where his life is taking him. Further or closer to me?

The acoustic version of 'High and Dry' by Radiohead plays through my mind most mornings, along with scenes of myself staring longingly out a window. I can close my eyes for ten minutes and see the details of his face. See his marks and scars of time and experience. See his sad eyes; lost in the torturous pain of being in love with someone so far away, yet having someone so close who has the comfort of consistency and loyalty.

The years slip past and both the worlds we are in develop and warp into film sets filled with extras. The only constant thing in our lives is that yearning to be together.

When I first saw him in reality, it was like this cosmic electric energy just drew us towards each other. I replay every moment of our passionate 10 day affair over and over. In more ways than any...faithful...person can know, it feels so unavoidably soul destroying to be the other woman, and to be in love with him.
I do hate myself for what I am doing to his 'constant' girlfriend. I know what I am doing. I know any other person reading this will say I'm a crazy bitch. But when something is so perfect, the time you are together completely changes how the world looks, it is to hard turn your back on something like that.

The last 3 years now, I have been single. No one else comes anywhere close to how he makes me feel. I have tried, i have been on dates, i have met less geologically challenging men. Not one I have felt anything close to beautiful with.

I have a heart filled with film scores. Each piano note, each violin string, each strum of a base is pulling me more towards that of a fictional character that the movie will lend a happy ending too.

3000 miles, £3000 and a leap of faith is all it would take to give it a shot.

Today, my life is a lost, drawn out, sad, single piano key. All alone and painfully depressing. Tomorrow may hold a symphony, or it may hold no sounds whatsoever, all i can do is try and play....right?




Format
by Bryn Oh

Would I format my mind,
if I could come back new,
with no hurt nor loss,
but no memories of you?

Do I have enough love,
to rust away?
could I delete it all,
for a new first day?

I wish I could change,
some of the things I've done,
take some steps,
where I had taken none.

But you are gone now,
and I sit alone,
where an acorn fell,
now fully grown.

and I write you poems,
in garamond font,
because I am content to fade,
as I have no wants.